(Please read this letter while playing dramatic music on the background).
It is with great pleasure that I announce today that I have spared a thought about running for President of Mexico for 2018. This thought struck me while driving my brand new US car (Mexican-built, of course), listening about the success of independent candidates in Mexico, and getting pumped up by the sound logic of your announcement for the Republican Party. If an energetic speech worthy of a Sunday afternoon playing Monopoly with your Forbes 400 friends and an extravagant hairdo is the sole requirement to run for President of a country, then I too, can be your man. Donald, I want to become President of Mexico while you are President of the US. Together we could be unstoppable. Like Batman and Robin, or Fannie and Mae.
It must come as a surprise that I am announcing my thought about my candidacy in English. Even if more people speak Spanish than English as their mother tongue, I decided that the latter is more adequate to show-off that I’m bilingual (ish). Just like Jeb.
Donald, thank you. You are a true inspiration. Not only to me, one of the Mexicans that, as you mentioned, has lots of problems (a chocolate addiction and unsolved mommy-issues, in my case), but also to millions of people. Millions of people whose necks are red with joy after finding out that you are running to become President of the United States. At a time when capitalism and its trickle-down effect has demonstrated, once and for all, that it is the most effective economic system that humanity can aspire to, political discourse has narrowed to just “talking the talk”. However, you decided to speak your mind and run to become the leader of the free world. Free to carry assault weapons in lunchboxes.
I hope that you don’t mind me calling you Donald. The only other Donald that I can think of is the butt-naked cartoon duck who makes unintelligible remarks and makes me laugh. Sounds familiar? I see him like a close friend, as I would like to consider you. I must add that it was very tasteful of you to wear elegant pants during your speech, in order to distance yourself from that other cartoon.
Political pundits in Mexico often complain that our country does not receive enough attention during US political speeches. After China (mentioned 25 times), Mexico was the second country with the highest amount of mentions in your speech (13 times). Thank you for putting us on the map! However, I did have a troubling thought. For me, the United States is a Big Mac with two buns: The upper bun (Canada), and the lower bun (Mexico). I missed dearly the upper bun, the vital one in out three-way NAFTA hamburger?
Donald, your speech accomplished two astonishing things for Mexicans. In the first place, your project regarding the wall has become, ironically, a cross-border issue. Those drug-loving, crime-committing, rapist Mexicans, on any side of any border of any country, seldom agree on anything. However, you have given us a common enemy, on which we all agree. Kudos. Second, it gave your business partner Carlos Slim, the man with the second fattest wallet in the world, a much needed public relations boost. Finally, many Mexicans have come to appreciate his greatness.
If I do run for President of Mexico for 2018, I will gladly support your project of building the wall between Mexico and the US. Our country is fed up with the brain drain as a result of people fleeing Mexico towards the US. No, Donald, I want them to remain in Mexico as much as you do. However, I must confess that your project is short-sighted. You see, Donald, I too assume that some US citizens are good people. Emphasis on the “some”. That is why I will gladly support your idea of building the wall. My project will be based on Game of Thrones. Majestic. As you are aware, all walls have a dual purpose: Keep people out and keep people in. Besides keeping the Mexican talent in the house, we want to avoid Mexican teenagers being killed by the Boarder Patrol…while they’re in Mexico; we also want to avoid Budweiser drunken US teenagers wrecking our famous beach resorts during spring break in Mexico. Finally, we want to avoid sock-and-sandal retired US citizens in our land. That is just not fashionable and they are not our friends. If we both become Presidents of our countries, I am sure we can put our heads (or hair) together to come up with a “right people exchange program”.
Furthermore, if I do decide to run for President, I will propose a “Dumping Ground Allegiance”. It will have as its sole objective to expand the presence of Chevrolet in Tokyo, a cornerstone of your announcement speech. As a matter of fact, I will personally lobby for a Chevrolet plant to produce cars in Mexico. Don’t worry; you would be invited to the inauguration. You might even get to cut the ribbon. Maybe.
Donald, I would be very glad to work shoulder-to-shoulder alongside you. Please make sure you get elected. If you fail to do so, you will shatter my dreams of becoming President of Mexico.
Your soon-to-be fellow President.